Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Is this it?

My greetings to all of you, my dear readers,

If you have been a faithful reader of my blog over the past eighteen months, then you will know that for that time period I have been undergoing what can likely be called the most trying period of my entire life.

I have fought, worked, stressed, panicked, worried, sweat, thought, been disappointed, wanted to cry (a huge one for me), tried, prayed, hoped, swallowed pride, been driven to sheer exhaustion, and everything else you might imagine. I have been brought down to my knees (lower?) and I have had one huge lesson, at the very least. On the one hand, I have learned to lean on my Lord for anything and everything. I have only been able to see ahead in weeks, often much less (sometimes only hours, actually)--and that isn't the half of it. And, secondly, my Master has also taught me a lesson I already knew, but he reinforced this in me--he reminded me what was most important in the world to me. It is exactly that, which I am fighting for.

I was beaten back from my first line of defense. I am struggling to maintain my second. While I may have a third, I am doing my absolute best to stay where I am. Spencer doesn't just give up and displace that easily. Today, I stuck myself out onto a limb, and stuck myself out far. This is my last-ditch attempt to win. If I lose this, it's bye-bye for me. I am not accustomed nor do I like to endure defeat. This time, I want a victory. Yes, true--it will not be mine, but the Lord's. Therefore I wait on Him. I can see that this war will not be won by me. Over and over again I have not succeeded. Another part of the lesson?

The Beast cannot be killed by bullets, blades, or strangulation. (I rather wish it could be--I would have slit its throat long ago and taken its head from its corpse and held it high as I roared.) I cannot see it, feel it, or hear it, but it is there. Perhaps sent by the Beast? I know not. All I know is, the Lord my God will fight for me (Deuteronomy 3:22).

This Beast was somewhat caused by, and much aided by, mere humans. Today, I can truthfully admit that I am not only just stressed, but I am having difficulty controlling my anger and hate. I have been brutally betrayed, and I struggle daily to destroy the bitterness I feel so strongly. These emotions are all not of the Lord (another reason for me to hate emotion), but yet I still am struggling with them. If you could only see all of it, you would feel it too. And then there is the question, did such emotions cause all of this in the first place? Dangerous, isn't it?

I can only wonder, hope, and pray. Is this the end? Is all of this finally over, for the better? Or have I finally lost?

Here he comes. A roaring Beast, seeking whom he may devour. I may be weaponless, but my Lord is not. It will be a battle I wish I could see (albeit incredibly one-sided). And if I should "lose", then I will accept that as the divine will of the Almighty Father. (But to be honest, I'd rather it not be. My humanity speaks thus, however, as stated I will accept whatever he sees fit to put me through.)

What I ask from all of you are your fervent and sincere prayers, if you would be so kind. I shall be eternally grateful if you would grant them me.

Die, you beast, die. I would kill you if I could, but I cannot. So, die, you beast, die.

Spencer

4 comments:

Mrs. Brown said...

Yes, Spencer ... our prayers are for you. May the Lord guide you. And as you have said clearly, He is fighting and will continue to fight this battle for you. Praying, yes, we are praying.

With care, love and fervent prayers,
Mrs. Brown

duva said...

Hey, Spencer. I still have no idea of what this really is about so I can't offer much more than my sympathies. If I could give you some word of advice though, I would urge you to try looking at your problems with more optimism, and more importantly looking upon your enemy with love, whoever it might be; hatred and anger never helps us, really the only ones who are ever harmed by our hatred are ourselves, that's at least my experience.

I'm not suggesting giving in to whatever it is, not at all; what I mean is that what plagues us isn't worth that attention, isn't worth us devoting energy into hating it. Reacting with such feelings we are just as trapped by our own emotions as by our enemies.

Then again this isn't easy. I've been down there myself, deep down. This is what I learnt from it, you might like it or not but it's my word of advice for you and that's all I can give.

Also - I might add - I don't see a reason to hate emotion; emotions aren't bad per se, as long as we don't let them control us utterly. What would life after all be, void of emotion?

Good luck with whatever you are struggling with. I wish you the best. The best source of strength you already seem to know of. Trust to God and take care!

Son3 said...

You have all I can lend from my spiritual arsenal, sir.

I'm sorry, and I empathize with your situation.

Hate can burn you up; but, like fire, it can also keep you warm.

The Warrior said...

Mrs. Brown: Nothing but my thanks to you and your family!

Duva: Thank you for the kind comment!

As I said about hate/anger, I called it "dangerous". Sorry if I wasn't clear--I don't like that at all, which is actually why I was bringing it up....

What would life after all be, void of emotion?

Alright then, the only way I "use" emotion is, (1, if I have it under my control, and (2, if it's a "good" emotion, like love. I never try to remove love in myself (only increase it), but usually what I feel are the most emotional emotions are way too weakening for me to tolerate them. Did that make any sense?

The best source of strength you already seem to know of. Trust to God and take care!

:-) Thank you!

Son3: Hate can burn you up; but, like fire, it can also keep you warm.

You soo ripped that off from Red Dawn. :-P

My thanks to you as well, my friend.