Saturday, March 21, 2009

Personal life

Just when I thought I was already near rock bottom, everything goes down farther. I feel very low right now and have for several days; besides a few events that have been...well, very, very bad, my mind has also come to an understanding of sorts, and it isn't a pretty one nor is it at all comforting.

When all this began, over seven months ago, something told me it'd be a long haul. My instinctive plan-ahead, think-for-future, prepare-for-worst traits went into overdrive as I prepared for some nasty business. Something in my head fixed on perhaps six months, maximum I had hoped. Well now it's already past seven, and things have not gotten better, they have gotten worse.

The "understanding" I have come to is more an acceptance of what I see. My little solutions haven't cut it. They have proved futile; my hopeful waiting for the big solution to come along has not come through. Perhaps it might, and I still have hope that it will of course, but my mind is beginning to think dire, or should I say more dire. I have little time, and I'm even on an imposed schedule.

1) I have around three months for this to be fixed.
2) After this time passes things may be temporarily alleviated if something else occurs.
3) But both timeframes will eventually run out, and then....

I am beginning to examine options more extreme. I'm at a loss for a solution, and on top of all this another issue, which is technically the cause of all this but is still somewhat separate (if that makes any sense) has come to a head after many years and is now causing me more trouble than I can ever remember.

I can't do this alone...which is why I'm thanful to be able to be a believer. Out of all of this, if anything I have pulled strength. I may feel weak right now but when I heal (btw, did I ever mention that I'm a selfish jerk, to put it lightly?--as well as all the rest of my flaws have not made me happy lately either) I believe I will be much, much stronger. I have faith in God above all things, and in everything; I have seen every single other thing fail and nothing is more certain to me than the Providence of God. I am firm in this.

And on the other hand...I need more prayers. I am not ashamed to ask for help when I need it, and that's what I need from all of you. I don't need pity, I don't need some grand party devoted to it, I need your prayers.

As my personal life has basically crashed, I also need a little more help. My time and energy is being drained and, as to my current work with, yes I have obtained signatures but have utterly failed in getting two other people to become signature and donation collecting volunteers such as myself.

I ask at least two of you now to please help me and do this same thing. If you wish to help me on this, you can even leave a comment, with your email, or without, and if you ask I will not publish it. Also please know that it is me asking for this now and this has nothing to do with PRO. This is a fight for everything that we believe in and I need someone to help shoulder the banner for me.

I would like to make clear that I do not recommend the music of Evanescence (for reasons I hope to discuss in an upcoming music review), but this week I have been reminded of their song Going Under. Not that anyone cares too much, but if you really want to see how bad it is, at least how bad I feel, check it out, and remember, I am Amy Lee.

As I see everything falling apart around me, I see myself changing as well, reacting....

Prayers to all, please remember to send some, and remember, keep strong in the faith.



Lady Neferankh said...

I just wanted to say--that if there's one thing you're not--it's a selfish jerk--I've met selfish jerks, plenty of them, both online and in real life--and you aren't one of them.

I'm sorry there's not much consolation I can offer, but for what it's worth, you do something, to shine a light in your part of the world. And although most of us might not know the exact nature of the challenges you face--we're rooting for you all the way.

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

:) Well, thank you, that was comfortingly sincere....

What I meant though, was that this issue affects some people as well as myself, and I care about these people 1,000,000x more than myself and here I am talking and even THINKING about myself?

Now isn't that screwed up?

olde.fashioned said...

I just wanted to say--that if there's one thing you're not--it's a selfish jerk--I've met selfish jerks, plenty of them, both online and in real life--and you aren't one of them.

AMEN! I was just going to say the same exact thing. You are NOT a jerk, and take it from the Lady with good taste -- you are not a jerk, (nor selfish!) by any stretch of the imagination. Any further remarks on the subject will result in your getting pummeled by your older sister!!!! :-P

Your faults are only overshadowed by your wonderful excess of virtues which are shining brightly in spite of the darkness around you. You're the most wonderful man I've ever met and I'm proud to be able to call you my brother, and yes, I did just type that for all the world to see. *hugs you hard* (and you'd better unscreen this comment!!)

If you want me to start throwing Bible verses at you I will. Things will get better, eventually. *hugs you again* If God cares about the sparrows then He cares about us...and what was it that they say about refining fires?

I would say "the night is always darkest just before the dawn," but that would be kinda corny. Oh wait, I guess I just did say it, huh? ;-P LOL!

Ipwergis-Pudding said...


Psalms 32:7-8 "Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.
"I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide me with thine eye."

Psalms 119:114 "Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word."

Besides that, I also have songs I could quote to you... actually, hold that thought. Expect a post soon about that, and my brother's cancer...

If you need anything, let me know... if you feel comfortable confiding, I'm here for you, Spencer. If you don't, well, you are certainly in my prayers. :)

And yet another *HUG!!!*

-Mariah :)

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Lauren: Omigosh, you're too sweet.... *personal convo should suffice for further "reply"*

Mariah: I can only say thank you...expect an email.

Mada said...

I don't know what you're going through, but if it's anything like my own problem, then I can sorta understand. I'll be praying for you, friend. :-)

WildWeazel said...

I'll be praying for your situation, whatever it is. It sounds like you're really under a lot of stress.

FWIW, I prefer This Beautiful Republic's "Going Under" myself. :)

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

:-) Thank you. And I'll check that song out....