Thursday, January 29, 2009

Unstemmed Tide

You know...I look back on my life up until now, and as I think about all the "big" things that happened, the things that were a big deal to me, I feel that I was so self-absorbed. They always seemed to deal with me in some way.

I feel so much older. I feel older than I was even this past summer (and I don't mean the natural, nearly non-existent aging from just months), I feel...well, a tad different. Maybe it'll fade, and I'm afraid that I will likely return to worrying and concerning myself with my own life and own issues again (the daunting task of a paleo education is...well...daunting), but nonetheless I feel slightly different.

It's been almost six months now since this whole event started, and with every passing second it gets worse. Time itself is my greatest enemy now. Oh how I wish I was not so powerless.... I'm beginning to have some difficulty. Well, wait, not beginning--I rather should say I'm getting, well, worn out. (The phrase "worn out" just does not feel strong enough right now...but that's the best I can come up with right now.) I wish this could manifest itself in some animal, some inhuman, demonic beast, like a Grendel. Yes. Then I could actually kill it. I hate things that are difficult to fight. I'm a fighter, that's what I do. If this was like Grendel, I could kill him and be done with it (not to mention vent a whole lot of frustration, anger and fury).

While sort of speech this may sound like my usual self, I...this is strange. I haven't quite seen myself like this before.

Spencer

4 comments:

olde.fashioned said...

Will you forgive me for giving you a very big virtual hug? (((((HUG))))) In addition to the real ones, I mean. ;-)

guitargirl said...

You're in my prayers.

Ipwergis-Pudding said...

Maybe it's time to let God do the fighting.

You are in my prayers, Spencer.

-Mariah :)

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

"Ye shall not fear them; for the LORD your God he shall fight for you."
Deuteronomoy 3:22

One of my favorite verses of all time.

Spencer