Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Dumb DMV

Hey all,

So, long story short I had to go the DMV last week and take a dumb test. I hate the DMV for multiple reasons, one of which can be summed up with the words weirdos and nasty employees.

Anyways, I had to read the stupid California Driver Handbook for the test. It's about the stupidest thing I've ever read, and remember, I've been reading some dumb things for school lately (I really don't care about Sappho of Lesbos and her lesbian poems, okay?).

Anyways, it's terribly written and must be at about the lowest-level intellectually for something I've read. I mean, it's insane. I ran into so many disgustingly laughable comments that I had to start marking them with post-its so I could make the rest of you laugh. Any many of their little "commands" are based in opinion, not law it seems (if they really are laws, then God help us Californians!). This isn't Driving for Dummies, this is Driving BY Dummies!

Another thing that really really fried me was the constant phrase "Studies show...." Now, in the REAL world if you want to prove your point with "studies" you have to cite the studies as a reference, otherwise they don't really exist, at least to the reader, and everything is therefore useless. A scientist would be pretty much stripped of his tenure if he wrote papers without references! Wait a minute, why am I wanting the DMV to actually do something right, and, moreover, scientifically?

Below are excerpts (all copyrights, etc. given to the DMV or whoever they belong to!) and then my comments.

Enjoy!


(p.11) Also, the penalties for leaving a child in a vehicle are more severe if the child is injured, requires emergency medical services, or dies.

No DUH! All "penalties" are gonna be worse if you actually KILL somebody!


(p. 17) If you see animals or livestock, slow down and obey the person in charge or the animals.

Obey them? Okay, what if he tells me to stop the car in the middle of the road, get out, and shovel up the piles his cows left behind? And then what if he tells me to eat it? NO WAY!


(p. 17) If you see a stray animal in your path, slow down or stop, if safe to do so.

What if it ain't safe to slow down, should I run Bambi over then?


(p. 41) ..."Cone Zone."

Seriously, that's what they call construction zones. CONE ZONES?!?? Is this preschool?


(p. 42) Obey special signs or instructions from workers.

I don't know about other states or countries, but in California, CalTrans (the road construction company or whatever) has the tendency to dig up holes in the middle of the road, fill it in, dig it up a few weeks later, and blah, blah, blah. They've been masticulating the streets all around my work, even tearing up the parking lot and keeping customers out (In the middle of the day and on FRIDAYS, people! Those are paycheck days! DUH!), and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to their work. On top of that, one will work, while five others will watch (no joke). So, since they practice this sort of behavior, are you sure we want them directing our traffic?


(p. 44) A vehicle (even if disabled) that is stopped, parked, or left standing on a freeway for more than four hours may be removed.

After four friggin' hours, it only MAY be removed??? What the...!!?


(p. 47) A road that is normally safe can become dangerous when it's slippery.

Oh wow, really?! I had NO idea, thanks for tellin' me!


(p. 48) If the brakes get wet, dry them by lightly pressing on the gas pedal and brake pedal at the same time so that the car drives against the pressure of the brakes. Do this only until the brakes dry.

What, you want me to get out, rip off the hub cap ala Grendel at the mead hall doors, and poke around the brakes to make sure they're dry for you?


(p. 48) Avoid driving near accidents, if you can.

Not so, oh DMV cronies, I always use my crystal ball to foresee car accidents so I can plan them in my roadtrip itinerary, just for fun!


(p. 48) Never drive to the scene of an accident, fire, or other disaster to look. You may be arrested for doing this.

Arrested!?!?


(p. 49) Call the nearest humane society or call the police or CHP, if you kill or injure an animal.

OH NO!!! There's a bug on my windshield! Hold on, I gotta pull over so I can call the cops!


(p. 50) Do not allow anyone to ride in the trunk of your vehicle.

Uhm, yes, shouldn't you be telling the Italian mafia that, and not me?


(p. 50) Do not transport animals in the back of a pickup or other truck unless the animal is properly secured.

That's right, people, you should start using your tire chains on Sparky.


(p. 50) Do not litter the roadside.

You mean I'm not supposed to do that? I thought since there was so much around that we were supposed to help contribute, just like we're supposed to go with the flow of traffic. Oops...


(p. 51) Do not shoot firearms off on a high-way or at traffic signs.

Aww, shucks, that was my favorite pastime, too!


(p. 51) You must use your headlights 30 minutes after sunset and leave them on until 30 minutes before sunrise.

Oh no, how long is it till sunset? 29 minutes?! No! That means we're going to JAIL!!!


(p. 51) You must dim your lights to low beams within 500 feet of a vehicle coming toward you or within 300 feet of a vehicle you are following.

Yeah, so you have any advice on how to actually measure that?


(p. 52) Drivers who know they are deaf or hear-ing-impaired an adjust.

I'm deaf? Egad, I never knew that!! GASPS!!!!!


(p. 52) The body naturally wants to sleep at night and most drivers are less alert at night, especially after midnight.

Congratulations on learning the basics of diurnal creatures.


(p. 53) [to stay awake] Try chewing gum or singing along with the radio.

Uh, not sure about anyone else, but when I sing, I tend to keep others awake, not myself. Pretty sure that will result in a disturbance call to the police.


(p. 53) [do not] Mix medications unless directed by your physician.

STOP! No more Metamucil and milk of magnesia together, peeps!


(p. 54) Minor's Permit Restrictions
You must practice with a parent, guardian, spouse, or an adult 25 years of age or older....


Lemme get this straight. You're a minor, you're married, and your spouse is 25 years or older? Dude!


(p. 54) The person must be close enough to take control of the vehicle at any time.

Well, considering that most DMV employees around here at foreigners, this begs the question what are cars like in their own countries, because where I come from, nobody but the driver's gonna be able to reach the gas and brake, man.


(p. 56) DMV will be watching your driving record....

Oh noes, it's back! It's...it's...BIG BROTHER!!!!


(p. 58) Do not enter the intersection if you cannot get completely across before the light turns red.

If Batman can do it in his Tumbler, then why can't I?! *stamps feet*


(p. 65) At night, make yourself more visible by wearing white clothing and retro-reflective materials....

Do you know me? You must not, because if you did, you'd know there wasn't a single way on God's green earth you could get me to sparkle.


(p. 66) park in high-traffic, well-light-ed areas, whenever possible

Well-lighted? Isn't it supposed to be well-lit?


(p. 66) Install a mechanical device that locks the steering wheel, column, or brakes.

Forget all that fancy-schmancy stuff, I recommend snakes. Works like a charmer...er, I mean charm.


(p. 67) ...refrain from phone conversa-tion during the traffic stop.

Hang on there, officer, I gotta answer this call! It's my girlfriend, and I'm late for our date!


(p. 70) Exiting your vehicle without first being directed to by an officer can increase the risk of being struck by a passing vehicle.

...Whereas if a cop tells you to do it, you'll magically be protected by an invisible force field.



And I think it said in there somewhere that bikes can drive on the freeway (supposedly they're no different than cars), and there's even this diagram that tells you to STRADDLE the two lanes on a two-lane road if there's a bicyclist. What the?!?!?

Oh, man. That's enough supreme idiocy for one day.

Spencer

11 comments:

Son3 said...

Wow! And I thought Kansas had a bad DMV!
The officer at my local DMV had to ask for an interpreter to instruct one of the people trying to take the written test. I guess he didn’t speak Somali.

Did they try the old “driving is a privilege, not a right” propaganda?

BTW, great blog!

Stephen Boyd said...

"Obey special signs or instructions from workers."
What if the worker (which could be your mom or sister, they probably work) instructed you to go buy a gun!

"Do not allow anyone to ride in the trunk of your vehicle."
If they tried to pass this in AL, they'd be shot.

"Do not shoot firearms off on a high-way or at traffic signs."
See above comment.

"(do not)Mix medications unless directed by your physician."
Nothing about narcotics and firearms?

"Do not enter the intersection if you cannot get completely across before the light turns red."
I'll one up you: Jason Bourne was a GOVERNMENT AGENT....didn't stop him!

"At night, make yourself more visible by wearing white clothing and retro-reflective materials...."
I think we can all agree that black is the color of choice.

Nathan said...

Do not allow anyone to ride in the trunk of your vehicle.

Uhm, yes, shouldn't you be telling the Italian mafia that, and not me?


I think that one was for me. 'Cause I've done it. Ah.... Summer 2006. Never a better summer. ^_^

You must use your headlights 30 minutes after sunset and leave them on until 30 minutes before sunrise.

Eh, this one's not bad. Actually, it makes a lot of sense. And hey, in Alaska, the law is to keep your headlights on at all times. Makes sense for them, being perpetually dark in the winter and all, but it still goes to show we don't have it too bad. ;-)

You must dim your lights to low beams within 500 feet of a vehicle coming toward you or within 300 feet of a vehicle you are following.

Yeah, so you have any advice on how to actually measure that?


It gets easier with experience.

Then again, I am the son of a surveyor.... :-P

Minor's Permit Restrictions
You must practice with a parent, guardian, spouse, or an adult 25 years of age or older....

Lemme get this straight. You're a minor, you're married, and your spouse is 25 years or older? Dude!


I hadn't realized the FLDS had colonized California. That could be problematic.


Haha, Seriously, though, as ridiculous as many of these sound (and believe me, I laughed plenty when I read my handbook!), I've learned that there's wisdom in them. Be careful out there! ;-)

Caleb said...

That's pretty good. Who ever expected a government bureaucracy to get anything right? If you want it done wrong have the government do it!

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Haha, thanks guys!

son3: Thanks for visiting! We seem to agree on a lot actually. Love the 2nd Amendment reference. :-D Welcome to my blog!

Spencer

Lisa of Longbourn said...

What state are you in? This is crazy. Colorado is definitely not like that.
To God be all glory,
Lisa of Longbourn

Caleb said...

Lisa,

Spencer lives in the People's Republic of California.

Matthew said...

"Minor's Permit Restrictions
You must practice with a parent, guardian, spouse, or an adult 25 years of age or older...."

"Lemme get this straight. You're a minor, you're married, and your spouse is 25 years or older? Dude!"

"I hadn't realized the FLDS had colonized California. That could be problematic."

*pounding on keyboard* That is just too funny!

How dumb do they think we are?

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Lisa: Haven't seen you in a while. Thanks for stoppin' by! How have you been?

Caleb: HAHA! So true. :-P

Matthew: Well hello hello! Welcome to my blog. ;-P

jane said...

lol this really is ridiculous lol :D gave me a good laugh :D

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Lol I know, huh Amy? :-D