Sunday, April 20, 2008

This is OPERA!!!!!

Okay.

So last night I saw the 2004 version of Phantom of the Opera with Gerard Butler (also known as King Leonidas, the ripped ab machine, hence my title).

Ugh!!!!!! I can't believe I actually bought this movie; at least I don't have to put up with it though. Ridiculous!

I hate musicals as it is (yeah, the main theme song was good, but that's about it), but on top of all that was her nerdy little boyfriend! Talk about eew! At first they get a good idea for a baddie-villain, but then they suspend reality with his dark lair in the sewers of all places! (Who is he, The Penguin?) And just how did he manage to get a gondola down there? And a horse? And arms come out of the walls? What the...? No wonder no one goes down there....

But how do the stupid theater people just sit there as he kills people? I mean, sewers are stinky and filled with gas; drop a match down there, that should do the trick. Or, just use a bunker buster bobm. That'll blow his little toy monkey to kingdom come, fo sho!

When Raoul and Christine kiss and The Phantom (Or "O.G." as he likes to call himself--wasn't Og a caveman?) appears it's like he's Darth Vader or something. (I have to admit, his seal and that sword of his are nice, with the skulls and all.)

We're supposed to like the leading couple, yet Christine is so sweetly naive and just plain dumb as an ox, always following "OG" around wherever he goes, and Raoul--ugh, don't even get me started! First we are forced to look at his insane hairdo, and then we have to watch him be a wimp again and again. First, although he hears the Caped Criminal inside Christine's room, he can't manage to open the door, and apparently just ups and leaves after a while (to what, take his snuff?). Can't you break down the door you scrawny little rodent? Bash down that door a la Grendel in Beowulf--rip it off the hinges!!!

And when he appears after the couple kiss, he leaves Christine alone to be kidnapped, gobbled up, sung to death, or who knows what as he takes his sweet time to go find his sword. (What's the matter, French people can't use their fists?)

Oh, and then when he's convinced Og the Caveman is real, he decides to protect the doorway to her room; a very good move, but then he proceeds to fall asleep! What'd you do, take a Benadryl or something? (Allergies getting to you? Take prescription Phantasma, and you'll feel better and clearer all day long. Side effects may include falling asleep, letting Phantoms steal your girlfriend, and in some rare cases, getting strangled while you sleep. Phantasma! Recommended by quacks.) The love of your life is in mortal danger and you can't even manage to stay awake? Sheesh, didn't they have Starbucks or something back then? Some fiancee. Posh.

And then when Mr. Phantom attacks him and a fierce duel commences, he wastes a very precious moment, a long moment, where he had the opportunity to run the masked little demon right through the belly! Aw, come on! And next we see him fail to stab the scummy little dude when he's got his sword poised to strike. Heck, give me the sword and I'll do it! Just stop being so stupid!!!

And yet again he screws up. What I want to know is, what on earth is he doing up in the viewing boxes when the caveman is on stage with Christine? Why isn't he down there beating the living daylights out of this slimeball?! Oh yeah, and then he manages to allow himself to get all tied up down in the sewers and Christine , suddenly finding that she has a brain, has to be the one to save him! (Trust me sweetheart, drop Mr. Longhair like a dead weight; you'll be happier later on in life, in case any other crazed serial killer maniacs become infatuated with you.) Put me in that situation, and an entire army of Phantoms couldn't stop me! Heck, give 'em Panzers and they'd still all die (even if all I could do was poke their eyes out with my knuckles). Phoo.

And Calotta, or whatever her name is?

Ugh. I quit. Nathan, I can't believe you made me watch this. Eew! :-P

/rant

:-)

Spencer

29 comments:

Nathan said...

Haha. I didn't MAKE you watch it, though I am quite pleased you took some time for one of my favorite movies. ;-D

We've talked about the cemetery fight scene over the phone, and you know my response to your statement. In case you forgot, though, the Reader's Digest version is that Raoul wouldn't have betrayed such a wish of Christine right in front of her, no matter how badly he wanted to throw Erik (the Phantom) out of the picture.

What I want to know is, what on earth is he doing up in the viewing boxes when the caveman is on stage with Christine? Why isn't he down there beating the living daylights out of this slimeball?!

Because that would have totally ruined their plan to catch the Phantom (which in theory was very effective, though it took a little longer than planned). Duh. ;-)

And Calotta, or whatever her name is?

Carlotta, of course, was created to be hated. She actually reminds me of a girl I knew in high school.... :-P

As to everything else you said, all I have to say is that without the characters' personal imperfections, there would have been no story. Sure, getting all stabby would have been more efficient, but then the movie would have been like ten minutes long. :-P

And I'm surprised you didn't like the music (it is among my top favorites, so I suppose I am biased :-P). What about Music of the Night?

Haha. I <3 musicals. Thanks for posting this; it definitely got me in the mood for one. ^_^

*Stacy* said...

That was a fantastic rant.

I give you ten gold stars and an applause. I laughed so damn hard.

BTW: Besides the fact that it was a little overkill with the singing (I KNOW it's a musical)..but it was a GORGEOUS movie.

HAHA, ohhhh. I might read it again. Then watch the movie, because now I want to with this blog in mind. :) :)

olde.fashioned said...

*dies laughing*

Please excuse the incoherant comment -- I'm too busy trying to breathe!! My side hurts I laughed so hard....;-D

I think Christine has rotten taste in men but faaaaaaabulousssss taste in clothes....8-D

Nathan -- this is one of your all-time favourites? :-D I think it's mucho pretty, even if they do break out into song a little too often...

Music of the Night is okay, but Think of Me and All I Ask of You are waaaay better.

Stacy -- (btw, I don't know that we've really "met" before, but Greetings to you! I'm Spencer's sister Lauren, and I'm even more weird than he is. HA!) (no offense Brother Dear...you know I love you to death! *huggles*) But I agree with your ten stars and about laughing that hard!

Nathan said...

Music of the Night is okay, but Think of Me and All I Ask of You are waaaay better.

Oh, most definitely. I just thought Spencer might like that one more than the others. As for myself, my three favorites (in varying order) are All I Ask of You, Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, and Past the Point of No Return. ^_^

Haha, And am I the only one here who thinks the amount of song in the movie was just right?! :-P

Spencer said...

I didn't MAKE you watch it

I know, but still I just had to wrongly accuse you. :-P

We've talked about the cemetery fight scene over the phone, and you know my response to your statement. In case you forgot, though, the Reader's Digest version is that Raoul wouldn't have betrayed such a wish of Christine right in front of her, no matter how badly he wanted to throw Erik (the Phantom) out of the picture.

Yeah, but he could have at least tied him up (his hair was long enough). But NOO, he has to be a bum-brain.

Because that would have totally ruined their plan to catch the Phantom

What plan? The one to get tied up?

getting all stabby would have been more efficient, but then the movie would have been like ten minutes long.

Dang right it would've been more efficient! And stabby movies can be long too; I watch 'em all the time. They're much more satisfying. :-D The bad guys actually DIE!!!

What about Music of the Night?

Yeah, what about it? :-P

That was a fantastic rant.

I give you ten gold stars and an applause. I laughed so damn hard.


Why thank you, Stac. Haha, I'm very pleased now. :-D Heehee. Maybe I should do this more often now...hmm, what movie to pick, what movie to pick....

Past the Point of No Return

Well yes, that one's kinda nice, but I just mostly liked the gothic style to the theme. The gothic organ elements in the duel scene were interesting and fitting, although not long enough.

Haha, And am I the only one here who thinks the amount of song in the movie was just right?! :-P

Umm...yeah, I think so. :-P

I was standing in the middle of my living room just a few minutes ago, thinking about this dumb movie. And I said out loud, "I need to watch a man movie!"

I really do now; thanks alot Nathy. Maybe The Replacement Killers, or Patton, or--I know!--Saving Private Ryan! Yayuh. 8-D

Next up I might do a post on real movies. You know, stuff with blood, guts, gore, and a lot more stabbiness, thus less stupidity, and this, more harmony. :-D

Spencer

olde.fashioned said...

Oh, most definitely. I just thought Spencer might like that one more than the others. As for myself, my three favorites (in varying order) are All I Ask of You, Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, and Past the Point of No Return.

I didn't care for the lyrics in PoNR. :-/ Wishing is too saaaaaaadd!!!! And I forgot to mention the Angel of Music one -- me likes. :-)

Haha, And am I the only one here who thinks the amount of song in the movie was just right?! :-P

Ummm...YES!!! ;-D

Kaizer said...

(What's the matter, French people can't use their fists?)

ROTFL! That one had me in stitches!

I don't neccessarily like the movie, but it has Gerard Butler in leather pants... hence... the only reason worth watching!

Entertaining review :)

Alyssa, Midenian Scholar said...

*raises hand* Ah, I thought the amount of music was nice!

Anyway, yes, this isn't much of a man movie. Well, except for musical men like my cousin who can sing Music of the Night, high notes and all. [/brag] I actually saw a play that was based on POTO (yes, a play based off a play) that made a bit more sense than the actual movie.

I liked bits of this movie decently, at least. I like the meanings beneath - about being lured to night/dark and sorta hunted by it, but though a part of you wants it, it haunts you, and in the end can kill you/someone you love.

Christine was so stupid sometimes... I didn't understand her logic half the movie. BEAUTIFUL voice though. I saw that actress in another movie (it was full of random lovey-dovey and gay stuff that I knew nothing about when I started it, so I don't recommend it) and she sang ballads/Application folk songs. Gorgeous.

Whatshisname, F. person, Romantic Interest, had logic flaws too. I had to *want* to like him. Also, at one point when Phantom and Christine are both on stage during his opera at the end, their on COMPLETELY different sides of the stage, and the stupid policemen waited until he had her in his arms to strike! That was mucho stupido. I blame it on the French police though. (Perhaps flirting with the ballerina, hmmmm?)

Calotta was hilarious. ^-^

Anyway, I like the soundtrack. I play it whenever I am traveling long distances. Then I get to make up my own Super Cool Hero F. guy and a smartish Christine.

Merrianna said...

Hello! I've been watching your sister's (olde_fashioned) blog on LJ, and she recommended this review. I enjoyed reading it very much, although I haven't seen the movie. I might find it bearable to watch now, though, with your amusing review to go along with it in my head. :)

The reason I haven't watched it is that I don't get to spend much time with my especially girly friends (a blessing in disguise, I suppose), and I'm not a big fan of opera, though musicals are okay... except... is it just me or are the songs from musicals usually more interesting than the musicals themselves? :-D At any rate, that's enough from the strange random person you've never heard from before. My point is, the review was funny. And that's that.

Nathan said...

The reason I haven't watched it is that I don't get to spend much time with my especially girly friends

Haha. You don't have to be girly to enjoy a film like this. ^_^

As for me, I like it because I'm musically inclined, and also that during my sophomore and junior years in high school, it was the fad among all my friends in the drama and music programs (well, that and Wicked). So I have very fond memories linked to it. ^_^

Mada said...

That rant was hilarious! :-D (by the way, I'm Mada from the Apologia forum) Though there's nothing wrong with musicals, if they are done well. *chuckles*

The only musicals I've watched are The Sound of Music, Mary Poppins (a long time ago), The King and I, and My Fair Lady. I have watched plenty of old war movies, more westerns than I care to remember (my dad is a John Wayne fan) and several memorable oldies. At the moment we're going through the Hornblower TV series on DVD, which is fantastic! Excellent naval battles, as well as explosions, fights, etc.

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Kaizer: Hehe, pleased to make you laugh. BTW, how did you find my blog? Welcome, no matter. :-D

Alyssa: French police and balerrinas; sounds like a good hypothesis, IMO/. ;-D

Merriana: Welcome to my blog! I'd say don't waste your time on the movie, unless of course you want a laugh. Heehee!

Nathan: Haha. You don't have to be girly to enjoy a film like this.

Huh? You don't?

Mada: Well welcome welcome! Glad you stopped by; I hope you stick around for a while. I've seen parts of the Hornblower series, but little really. Ever seen Master and Commander?

Wow. I think this was about my most popular post ever. Why don't I get such a large turnout on my sciencey posts?

Spencer

The Rush Blog said...

I have to be honest . . . when I saw this movie, I fell asleep halfway through the movie. I just couldn't take it. Dealing with Minnie Driver's over-the-top performance as an experienced opera singer was bad enough. But the whole movie . . . What am I saying? I still don't know how this movie ends. And I had taped it from cable.

olde.fashioned said...

Kaizer -- Gerard Butler in leather pants... the only reason worth watching!

Wrong-o!!! Any movie that has a costume that is copied straight out of a Franz Winterhalter portrait of Elisabeth Empress of Austria is worth watching!!! hee hee!

Alyssa -- sounds like some cousin! One of mine looks an awful lot like Leonardo diCaprio...

Mada -- oooo!! I like the Horatio Hornblower series! Fun! (Naval uniforms = ♥♥♥) And I second Spencer's suggestion to watch Master & Commander. Faaaaabulous costumes, gorgeous classical music, more Naval uniforms, bicorns, banyans, cravats...what's not to love? ;-) (oh yeah, and there's even a few lizards and flightless avians for those of more naturalistic tendencies.) ;-P

Spencer -- Why don't I get such a large turnout on my sciencey posts?

*I* like your scienc-y posts!! *bottom lip quivers* It's just that something a little more "layman" is more easily understood by those of us with an average IQ!! ;-P

Minnie Driver's over-the-top performance as an experienced opera singer was bad enough.

Oh, no I thought she was funny!! "Okay-a I no-a sing-a for you-a nowwww!! I go-a BYE BYE and take-a my doggie with-a me too nyah!"

Nathan said...

Haha. I can recommend some more "manly" musicals for ya, Spence (and pretty much everyone else here, but mostly you). ;-P

Oklahoma has a couple instances of some good fisticuff action (and they have a song about the Wells Fargo Wagon ;-D). Or if you wanna see brawling Scotsmen, Brigadoon is the way to go (and the story is really good, too ^_^). And if you wanted some Frenchmen to actually fight (which you implied in your review :-P), Les Miserables might be a good choice over PotO. For a bit of Biblical fun, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is also really good.

There are so many more, but I'm done teasing you for now. :-P Seriously, though, those ones are worth checking out; each of them has a much better storyline than PotO (though I believe only Les Mis has as much beautiful music--but then, that's not why you'd be watching, is it? ;-P).

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

I can recommend some more "manly" musicals for ya

I don't think I need to see any more just yet, thank you very much.

I have to be honest . . . when I saw this movie, I fell asleep halfway through the movie.

Haha, hear hear! (I actually nearly feel asleep in an old Pride and Prejudice once). Welcome to my blog; by the way, how did you find me?

Wow, I'm loving all these comments. :-D

Spencer

Mada said...

*Looks at the "Home Broker" comment*
Man, that spammer gets around! He's got several blogs, probably for advertising. He's a pain.

Master and Commander is an awesome movie! I loved it! It was so realistic (but not gruesomely so), plus the acting and story were well done. I wish that they'd make more movies like that.

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Yeah, home broker is a spammer, which is why I didn't answer their comment (the fact that the exact wording of the comment has been used by someone of a different name on a friend of mine's blog tipped me off). I think I'll go and delete it now. :-P

Yeah, M&C was good. There aren't any good naval movies out there really, especially of that era.

Spencer

olde.fashioned said...

I get spammers, not all the time but I do get them. They're stupid.

I agree that M&C is very good!! (even if there is an apalling lack of female characters!!!) I think it's fun, because to me, it's like What Jane Austen's Men Did. ;-) I wish they would make a sequel.

There aren't any good naval movies out there really, especially of that era.

Spencer!! Do I need to Netflix Persuasion and the Horatio Hornblower series for you??? ;-P (we can watch that right after I get Bleak House, mwaahaahaaaa)

Mada said...

After you've finished Bleak House, you should rent the BBC version of David Copperfield (if you haven't already seen it). It's good!

Persuasion didn't have any naval battles, did it? It's Jane Austen, so I wouldn't think so.

olde.fashioned said...

After you've finished Bleak House, you should rent the BBC version of David Copperfield (if you haven't already seen it).

I've seen 90% of Bleak House, just not the beginning because when it aired I was reallyreally sick. I was bound and determined to kill myself to finish it, though!! ;-P

I haven't seen David Copperfield, but I was thinking about reading the book first. I did see Great Expectations with Ioan Gruffudd...Zzzzzz...

Persuasion didn't have any naval battles, did it? It's Jane Austen, so I wouldn't think so.

I was talking about the 1995 one, with Ciaran Hinds (the behorned manager in PotO). It's better than the new one IMO, even if it breaches Regency Naval protocol about allowing men on leave to wear their uniforms. ;-P No, there aren't any battles, but the ending (an addition not in the book) does have a ship, so it's close! ;-)

Nathan said...

So I found out tonight that Andrew Loyd Webber is currently writing music for PotO 2. I'm a little wary of this, but I'm hoping it'll be good. ^_^

olde.fashioned said...

Oooh, what's the premise, is it known? Phantom obsesses over Christine's daughter now??? ;-P

I doubt the Phantom's theme could ever be equaled, but that's just my humble opinion. :-)

Mada said...

I haven't seen David Copperfield, but I was thinking about reading the book first.

Now there's a good book! I'm halfway through it at the moment. I'm very impressed with how Dickens fleshes out the character of his, er, characters. Ugh, Uriah Heep is even creepier in it than in the BBC movie!

I was talking about the 1995 one, with Ciaran Hinds (the behorned manager in PotO). It's better than the new one IMO, even if it breaches Regency Naval protocol about allowing men on leave to wear their uniforms. ;-P No, there aren't any battles, but the ending (an addition not in the book) does have a ship, so it's close! ;-)
Oh, come on. That hardly counts. I know the scene you mean - I've actually seen quite a few Jane Austen movies (BBC or otherwise; blame my sister :-P ) - and all they do is sail off together, happily ever after. Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version) is by far a better movie, in my opinion anyway.

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Hey, no chick flick talk allowed around here!

So I found out tonight that Andrew Loyd Webber is currently writing music for PotO 2. I'm a little wary of this, but I'm hoping it'll be good. ^_^

I don't think I can take another one....

Mada said...

OK, I'll desist. :-D

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

Thank you. :-D

Lol, no, I really was just kidding. I hear it all day every day anyways around these parts, what with a little sis like mine. :-)

Spencer

olde.fashioned said...

Hey, no chick flick talk allowed around here!

Oh, phoo. Just when I was gettin' ready to start talking about North & South! ;-) (and no, NOT the Patrick Swayze one!!)

I hear it all day every day anyways around these parts, what with a little sis like mine.

LITTLE!!! Who are you calling little??? I'm two years older than you, LITTLE brother! *harrumph*

boundandchained said...

Hee, I like the review. It made me giggle (cause it's late and laughing is right out).

I have to say, if you couldn't take movie!Raoul, you would rip the book to shreds. He has two settings: crying over how Christine doesn't love him or running around idiotically because the Phantom is holding Christine captive! No, really, I do not jest.

However, Erik (the Phantom) is way crazier.

(And the French police may have been chatting up the ballerinas anyways, but the point was that no one but Christine notices that Don Juan is now the Phantom until she unmasks him.)

(He does it much better in the book.)

Yeah, I'm a Phan and a dork. (Note the username.) But I was inclined to post, and as usual, I post more than I intended.